Dear John and Jane Q. Public,

Prime Minister, Paul Martin

I am writing this letter to you to dispel the myths and lies perpetuated by websites and independent news outlets, who unlike the mainstream monopolistic Canadian media, do not reflect the world in which their owners live.

I like to do things in a big way, like my buddy Junior in Washington. That is why I only break the big promises.

First of all let me tell you something about the GST.

On April 3, 1990, I said I would abolish the GST. What I really meant to say, which I said in the book Double Vision: The Inside Story of the Liberals in Power is Screw the Red BookDont tell me whats in the Red Book. I wrote the God-damned thing. And I know that its a lot of crap.

When I was finance minister, I instituted sweeping personal income tax cuts that give 77% of the benefits to the wealthiest 8% of Canadians. To do this, I had to slash social programs, eliminate the housing budget, and wipe out national welfare standards. Now you tell me who has done this before at such a scale.

Some say that my record over the last decade as a leading Canadian politician is not credible. I say it is in-credible.

Unlike the NDP, which knows jack about politics and unlike the Tories, which is another story, my ethical standards allowed me to accept C$12 million in campaign donations from corporations and lobbyists. Now I have allowed them to return and lobby the government for what they want.

As for the tired old story about my shipping line, CSL, getting $161-million in government subsidies and registering many of its ships offshore to avoid Canadian taxes, I would like you to know it pays two per cent in corporate tax.

Lately somebody told me that the union guy Dave Haggard, whom I personally parachuted into the New Westminster-Coquitlam riding suggested to some high school kids that Paul Martin should bring his ships back to Canada.

Rest assured, my people have talked to his people about his future with Liberal party.

Talking about B.C., I cannot understand why the local yokels there are so upset with me for handpicking fine fellows like former NDP premier Ujjal Dosanjh and lumber baron Dave Emerson to run for the Liberals.

Do you really think I should let local people choose local candidates Democracy deficit be damned.

Dosanjh has after all apologized for saying things about me while he was boss of B.C. and Emerson has driven through Kingsway at least a few times. And I would like you to know that Emerson has a Chinese wife.

As you are well aware, we in Canada, have a culture of giving. So why is there a problem when my people pay for thousands of Indo-Canadians in B.C. to become instant Liberal party members and challenge the likes of Gurmant Grewal in Surrey, who is always in Parliament asking questions on behalf of his constituents.

What galls me most is this so-called sponsorship scandal where a paltry C$100 million went to some Liberal-friendly ad companies.

First of all, given the scope of missing money in Ottawa under my watch i.e. the C$1 billion HRDC boondoggle or the $2 billion gun registry fiasco, the sponsorship scandal is small potatoes.

But let me reiterate that I am very angry that this has happened, especially because my name was on the cheques and I did not know anything about it.

We as Canadians should let bygones be bygones and focus on issues being raised by my big media friends like abortion and gay marriages.

After all, why would you want to know about governance, when I can help Canada slither down the global corruption index and cosy up to nations like Bangladesh and Indonesia.

The most important thing I would like you to remember when you cast your ballot on June 28 is the vow I have made to all Canadians that I will resign within two years if I dont deliver on my campaign promises.

That should give me enough time to make up some excuses and keep my track record intact.

Yours sincerely,

PM